How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I would move hell over six inches for you
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.