DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Okey dokey.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg