Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”