Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money