There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.