I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
is nasa ok
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Mad Max Arctic Road
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”