When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
These 3D printers are insane!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs