IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.