[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
You Might Also Like
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.