Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.