I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
You Might Also Like
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade