Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Donkey Kong sommelier
⛄️
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy