My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
One of the best
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…