I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Lmao 🤣
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.