People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.