Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.