Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Truth
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.