Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Breaking news:
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE