Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
This is my cat’s medicine.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.