[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You Might Also Like
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”