Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.