i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
be careful
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…