GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves