I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
best first i’ve ever seen
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.