Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
incredible text to wake up to
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.