I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”