I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.