wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“TGIM!” – My liver
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.