*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.