I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?