When someone says you are so lazy
You Might Also Like
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.