I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Note to self: I am a note
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here