Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight