Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
reviewed some movies recently
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys