20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.