[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’ve been drinking.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
You got this…
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.