“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.