You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death