I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
You Might Also Like
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“We will wed,” I threatened
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?