“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
We need more people like this.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Lmao
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked