NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Dietest Coke
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.