friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?