At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
How high do the levels go?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.