Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
#milo
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.