I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇