Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
You Might Also Like
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?