We’ve come full circle
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
What’s so funny?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
me irl
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.