Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.