Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
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I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.