Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
You Might Also Like
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The USS B port
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth